Low Self Worth in Relationships: Why You Accept Less Than You Deserve

Low self worth in relationships often shows up quietly.
It doesn’t scream - it whispers.
And over time, it teaches you to abandon yourself to keep love.

How many times have you said yes when you wanted to say no?

How many times have you been scared to speak your truth?

How many times have you stayed quiet out of fear of conflict or fear that someone might leave?

If you recognise yourself here, you’re not weak.

You’re responding from low self worth in relationships, and one of its most common patterns is self-abandonment.

What Is Low Self Worth in Relationships?

Low self worth in relationships is when you consistently minimise your needs, ignore your intuition, and accept less than you deserve in order to feel loved, chosen, or safe.

It often looks like:

• Over giving to prove your worth

• People pleasing to avoid rejection

• Staying silent to keep the peace

• Performing instead of being

• Ignoring red flags you feel in your body

This isn’t a personality flaw.
It’s a learned survival pattern.

Self Abandonment in Relationships: The Pattern No One Talks About

One of the most common low self worth behaviours women carry is self abandonment.

Your needs get pushed down.
You over give to “earn” love.
You people please because you believe you must perform to be accepted.

I’ve lived this journey myself. Healing my own abandonment wound has been ongoing, painful, and deeply confronting. It requires the courage to face the shadow aspects of yourself the parts that learned to stay quiet, compliant, or small to survive.

And here’s the part many people miss:

The abandonment wound isn’t just about being abandoned by parents, caregivers, or partners.

It’s also about how you abandon yourself.

The Abandonment Wound and Low Self Worth

Have you ever put your heart on the line for someone your intuition told you wasn’t right and they completely broke your trust?

Then you spent months, maybe years, shaming yourself for “not knowing better.”

That pain cuts so deeply because it reinforces an old belief:
“I can’t trust myself.”

When you abandon your intuition, your nervous system registers it as danger. Over time, this creates anxiety, hypervigilance, and a deep fear of being alone even in relationships that are hurting you.

Why We Accept Less Than We Deserve in Relationships

Accepting less than you deserve doesn’t happen randomly.
It’s shaped by conditioning, experiences, and nervous system responses.

Childhood Conditioning (Ages 0–7)

In our earliest years, we absorb beliefs about love, safety, and worth.

If love felt conditional, inconsistent, or unsafe, your nervous system learned that this was normal.

Trauma, Abuse, or Emotional Neglect

Trauma can leave you feeling unseen, unheard, or misunderstood.

Sometimes the subconscious belief becomes:

“People who love me can hurt me - and I just have to tolerate it.”

Chaos feels familiar.
Safety can feel uncomfortable.

Abandonment Experiences

When someone you relied on left  emotionally or physically your sense of safety was compromised.

This can create:

• Fear of being alone

• Clinging or chasing behaviours

• Difficulty walking away, even when something feels wrong

Shame and Low Self Esteem

Being criticised, bullied, dismissed, or emotionally invalidated can create deep shame.

Sometimes this even comes from how you speak to yourself.
Your brain does not distinguish between external criticism and self criticism  both shape your self worth.

Attachment Styles and Self Worth

Our early experiences form our attachment style, such as:

• Secure

• Anxious

• Fearful avoidant

• Dismissive avoidant

Without self awareness, these patterns can drive:

• Chasing behaviours

• Avoidance

• Self sabotage

• Repeating the same painful relationship cycles

When Being Treated Well Feels Unsafe

Through my coaching, many women share that they were told as children to be “seen and not heard,” shamed for crying, or made to feel guilty for having emotions.

They learned to bottle everything up or feel like they were “too much.”

For me, I used to give people endless chances.
I empathised. I waited. I hoped they would change.

Waiting felt normal.
Being ghosted felt normal.
Being let down felt normal.

So when safe, consistent people came into my life, it felt unsettling.

How dare someone treat me kindly?

Even now, I sometimes have to ground myself and remind myself:
I deserve to be treated well.
I deserve to treat myself well.

Pain Now vs Pain Later

There will always be risk in relationships.
But self worth gives you discernment.

It allows you to:

• Spot a red flag

• Recognise when something isn’t aligned with your values

• Communicate from a regulated space

• Remove yourself if there is no change

Not from fear but from self love, self trust, and self respect.

Sometimes the choice is simply pain now or pain later.

How to Stop Abandoning Yourself in Relationships

There are no quick fixes in this journey.

Healing low self worth in relationships starts with awareness and small, intentional steps.

Begin by asking yourself:

• How am I showing up in relationships?

• How are others showing up for me?

• What do I value in myself and in a relationship?

• Where am I abandoning my needs or intuition?

• What attachment patterns am I repeating?

When you start choosing yourself internally, your relationships begin to change externally.

A Gentle Invitation

I’ve created a Self Worth Awareness Guide to help you become deeply self aware of the behaviours and patterns that may be draining you in relationships.

This guide will help you recognise where you’re abandoning yourself and how to begin choosing you, without guilt.

https://www.theselfworthsecret.com/selfworthawarenessguide

You are not asking for too much.
You are not hard to love.
You are worthy without performing, proving, or disappearing.

If you need help  and support on your I love love to chat with you further 

https://www.theselfworthsecret.com/workwithme 

I will leave you with this piece of wisdom..... for years I kept trying to understand why, why people left, why I was not good enough, why was I never chosen! But the journey changed for me when I started asking 'what is this showing me about myself'. Life is your greatest Mirror and although the reflection at times may not be want you want, it will give you the answers you need! You just have to be willing to open your eyes to see them and hold space for yourself in the moment. 

Love 

Sarah Jayne

Founder and Self Worth Coach @ The Self Worth Secret